"How Pregnant Did You Get That Girl's Mouth?"

MAGIC MIKE (2012)

This is just going to have to be one of those movies I enjoyed much more than I wanted to. Really, I figured it'd be worth the ticket price for the cat-calling alone. After all, how many movies really bring out the fat construction worker in drunk and happy women? But once we got passed Channing Tatum's ass and a couple dance numbers, something truly weird started to happen. I began--ye gods--to actually enjoy myself! And it wasn't because I'm a bad lesbian. It's because it's actually a damn solid movie. 

Let's look at the facts. Channing Tatum, before his claim to fame on screen, used to strip for money. So he wanted to make a down-to-earth movie about the industry of male stripping. And then the plot bunny fell into the lap of Steven Soderbergh. Done. Let's face it, Soderbergh knows how to do bromances. And that was, essentially, the heart of this movie. A great bromance between Master Stripper Magic Mike (Channing Tatum) and his padawan stripper Adam (Alex Pettyfer). And then there's the tug-and-pull of drugs, sex, and partying way too hard. All the elements are there. The actors are all fantastic (and can do crazy things with their hips). The stripper clan, consisting of Joe Manganiello, Matt Bomer, Adam Rodriguez, and Kevin Nash were all fantastic. But three main characters really held their own--Channing Tatum was a great, charismatic Magic Mike, Alex Pettyfer actually proved to me that he could act, and Cody Horn pulled off a very organic, believable over-protective sister. And, of course, props have to be given to Matthew McConaughey. That man had a bad habit of rubbing me the wrong way but when he lets go and stops taking himself so seriously...he can pull it off. 

I should stop there. I should. But I feel a feminist rant coming on. Nothing wrong with Magic Mike itself--in fact, they did a great job with their female characters. They had a good mix of all kinds of women--bimbos, drug addicts, but also strong, solid-on-their-feet women. Yeah, it was nice to see the female character telling her man to "shut up and look pretty." A little change of pace for Hollywood. My bone to pick has nothing to do with this movie...rather, with these types of movies. Movies about male sexuality. My problem is they're always so fucking good. We've got 8 1/2, Boogie Nights, Shame and now Magic Mike. Really good, solid movies that explore psychological issues and lots of bromance. So what have women got? Burlesque? If this is the best we can do, shoot me now. 

This is my long way of saying: good movie, check it out. And if you don't check it out, look for the soundtrack. Damn catchy tunes.

"I'm A Killer...Like You."

DAHMER (2002)

So I finally got around to seeing The Avengers (2012). Which left me, like everyone else, teeming with Avenger fever. So I did the next logical step: I set out to hunt down the Avengers cast on Netflix and see if I could find anything to take the edge off. So I popped in Dahmer. Let's just say I couldn't get further from Hawkeye if I tried. Dahmer is a retelling of the life of Jeffrey Dahmer, a serial killer who murdered 17 men. And occasionally raped them and ate their flesh. Sounds horrifying? It is. Though now have a good theory about where Joss Whedon's Reavers came from.

Dahmer is one of those high-profile stories that demands an audience. However, it's clear that this was the only thing the writers banked on when doing the script. The movie has two timelines running simultaneously alongside each other. Moving forward, we have Jeffrey Dahmer grooming his latest victim--a flashy, flamboyant black man, Rodney. Told in reverse, we have the story of how Jeffrey Dahmer became the psychopath he is. In theory, this kind of storytelling should work, but the transitions are a little too sloppy. We've got flashbacks in flashbacks. Yeah. That.

However, Dahmer has a couple saving graces. The story is twisted and intense. Jeffrey Dahmer is neither demonized or forgiven. But the real reason to see this movie? The acting. After watching Jeremy Renner pull off the calm, rational Hawkeye, you really get the full extent of his acting abilities when you see him as the socially inept, mentally damaged Dahmer. Matching him frame-for-frame is Artel Great, who plays Rodney. Artel Great is full of energy and vibrance and he adds a layer of much-needed humanity to the film. In short, if drawn out scenes of mutilation and psychological torment don't make you run for cover, I'd recommend this one solely for the exceptional acting. 

"None Of Your Bones Are Broken."

SLEEPING BEAUTY (2011)

Now and then, you come across a movie that's pure atmosphere. Maybe the plot is alright, maybe the characters are barely there, but it's the tone of the movie that really comes through. Always very stylized, very artsy, with a high chance of a masquerade ball thrown in there somewhere. Sleeping Beauty walks a tightrope between drama and art film, leaving me straddling my own opinions about it. The main premise runs something like this: Lucy (Emily Browning), a young woman who entertains life with a mechanical precision, decides to take on an unorthodox job for the money. Her job description is this: she takes some sleeping tea, falls asleep naked, and lets men "enjoy her company" for the night. The next morning, she wakes up without any recollection of what's happened. The most interesting part of the job is that it comes with a stipulation: the men who purchase her for the night can't penetrate her. Which means she gets a cast of extremely interesting characters--an elderly man who just wants to hold someone, a sadomasochist who needs to bark at something pretty, and so on. 

To be honest, I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around exactly how I feel about the movie. From what I'd heard about it, I was preparing myself for some sick sexual abuse. What I got in return was something more disturbing--a main character completely numb to her body. I've seen Shame. I can handle that whole "ugly sex" theme. Violation. Degradation. But the strangest part was how open Lucy was to the concept. She didn't seem to have any real qualms about giving her body up for free. Instead, she seemed to use her body as currency on a regular basis and overall had succumbed to her situation. Lucy was less of a main character and more of a prop, without any real intent or motivation of her own. I'd like to give the script (and Emily Browning) the benefit of the doubt and say this was intentional on the movie's part. Which made it a fine art film with striking social commentary, but at what cost? The sacrifice of a potentially engaging and sympathetic main character. All in all, I'm glad I watched this one, but you'd have a hard time getting a straight-answer from me about it. I will, however, say this: the clients who purchase her for the night? The most fearless actors you've ever seen in a long time. Check this one out solely for the old man. Homeboy's got talent. 

I'll Take The Breast Meat.

PRIME CUT (1972)

Named in Empire Magazine as one of the 20 Greatest Gangster Movies You've Never Seen* (*Probably), Prime Cut happens to also be one of the strangest movies you've never seen. The plot runs something like this: a Chicago mob enforcer is sent to Kansas City to settle a debt with a cattle rancher who not only grinds his enemies into sausage, but sells women as sex slaves. Or at least, that's what IMDB tells me. Right. Still with me? Imagine this: an underground barn event with rows and rows of pens, around which ranchers are auctioning off their meat. Only their "meat" doesn't have anything to do with farm animals--naked women lay drugged up in the pens instead, waiting to be sold. If that doesn't catch your attention, I don't know what will.

Lee Marvin stars in this flick as Nick Devlin, the law man who's going to save the day. His archenemies just so happens to be Gene Hackman, the evil slaughterhouse operator called Mary Ann. Because nothing inspires fear and intimidation like a bad guy called Mary Ann. But who are we kidding? Sure, Lee Marvin is the man, and Gene Hackman is fantastic as always, but this movie is really all about the young, half-naked Sissy Spacek. Damn. Is all I can say about that. The ultimate prognosis? This movie isn't for everyone. But if you don't mind a movie with a little camp and color...I'd check it out. If for no other reason than this: an epic chase involving a crop harvester, the woman action house, Sissy Spacek's bod, and everything else that makes this movie completely and utterly shameless. My verdict? Thank god for the 70s.

"Tonight's Not Over Yet."

LAST NIGHT (2010)

You know the story. Marriage. Love. Temptation. What is it about affairs that Hollywood loves so much? Still, despite having an all too-familiar plot Last Night is a surprisingly subtle movie about dancing on the tightrope of loyalty. The married couple in question get in a fight the night before the husband, Michael (Sam Worthington), has to go on a out of town business trip with an all too-tempting business partner (Eva Mendes). His wife, Joanna (Keira Knightley), is left to her own devices...which just to happen to fall in line with an old flame (Guillaume Canet). Despite the fact that it's worn and tired ground, Last Night is unexpectedly refreshing. It's a very genuine look into these four characters' lives and never takes sides, giving both husband and wife the opportunities to rise and fall to the occasion. 

Ironically enough, one of my favorite bits of this movie is, in fact, the dynamic between the supposedly doomed couple Keira Knightley and Sam Worthington. They have excellent chemistry together and pull off a beautiful, yet believable domestic couple. Not to mention, their fight is probably the most well-written piece of the whole film. As for the supporting cast, Eva Mendes always leaves a little to be desired (but that's the point of her, no?), while Guillaume Canet plays an excellent charmer (or is it just the accent?). Overall, the script it concisely done, and running a neat 90 minutes it's able to take what it came for and catch the next flight out in the morning. 

I Wanna Breach Your Firewall, Baby.

GAMER (2009)

Some movies are best when you really don't know what you're getting into. Gamer is an excellent example of ignorance is bliss. This movie was supposed to be a good date night pick: Gerard Butler for my lady, explosive action sequences for me. Win-win. Never mind that I had the sneaking suspicion in the back of my head that it was probably made for 14 year old boys and it was probably going to end with the hero growling the words: "Game over." The result was...not quite what I had expected. Instead, I got a future, dystopian society with gladiator style fights with a cyberpunk twist. Hello? How did things suddenly get so awesome?

The world is brilliantly done. In this world, everyone is hooked into their own virtual realities. Except virtual reality is...well...real, and the people on the other side of the screen are being forced by mind control to perform lewd and sometimes deadly acts. Think reality TV with guns. In many ways, you can pair this movie off with Hunger Games. But that wouldn't be quite right, because while Hunger Games delved into serious societal and political issues, Gamer was just a lot of campy fun. The fight scenes are fun, the world is epic, and Gerard Butler is everything you want Gerard Butler to be. The noble hero man with a lot of muscle and a little snark in him. Ludacris is in it as the computer hacker/rebellion leader. I really just enjoy his face, so that cameo made me happy. But the one who really steals the show is Michael C. Hall. Playing--what else?--a psychopath. But here he's a psychopath with a lot of money and some tap dance lessons. He's campy, he's sadistic, and he's just plain insane. But so, so much fun to watch. As usual, he steals every scene and owns the camera. If you have absolutely no desire to see this movie, consider it. Consider it solely for Michael C. Hall. Damn, man. Work it. 

"Do You Speak American?"

CASA DE MI PADRE (2012)

This has got to be one of the strangest movies I'm ever going to review. Not because of the movie itself--Casa de mi Padre is a relatively straightforward telenovela parody--but rather because my ultimate feelings about the movie were hard to digest. The premise runs something like this: Armando Alvarez (Will Ferrell) is a cowardly ranchero who must toughen up in order to restore the dignity of his family that has been besmirched by his brother Raul's (Diego Luna) drug business. It also just so happens that Raul is getting married to the beautiful Sonia (Genesis Rodriguez), who is also the niece of the Mexico's rival drug lord, the merciless Onza (Gael Garcia Bernal). While there are a good couple gags, Casa de mi Padre is relatively straight-faced and falls back on cheap sets and unrealistic props to hold up the majority of its humor. We get poorly drawn sets, cheap driving backgrounds, and a stuffed, fake mountain lion.

In short, I didn't find myself laughing out loud very often, but here's the thing--I thoroughly enjoyed the story. While it might not have held up so well as a comedy, in the end, it was just a damn fun movie. It was as though, halfway through, the writers forgot they were writing a comedy and instead decided to have as much fun as they could in the telenovela genre. The action sequences were great, the dramatic, nefarious villains were great, heck, I even enjoyed the music. As for the actors, the main draw of the film for me was not Will Ferrell (even though my affection for him grows a little bit with every new comedy, I still have a snakeskin of unresolved bad movie issues to shrug off), but rather his two supporting players--Diego Luna and Gael Garcia Bernal. I've been looking forward to a reunion of their chemistry since Y Tu Mama Tambien, and they certainly did not disappoint. Both brought hilarious performances to the table, especially the mighty Onza who stole the screen whenever he was in it. My only complaint was that there simply wasn't enough of them--though the one scene they share in a bar is excellent.

I will take the preemptive measure of saying one thing: I have the vague suspicion that this movie will get quite a bit of slack for its portrayal of Mexico. To which I have only one thing to say: it's called Casa de mi Padre and it stars the very America Will Ferrell as "Armando Alvarez". If you can't find anything amusing about that sentence, you might be offended. However, if you enjoyed the likes of Planet Terror (2007) and can stomach a little satire, I recommend checking this one out.

And You Thought Godzilla Was Scary?

LOST IN TRANSLATION (2003)

A confession: the first time I saw this movie, I hated it. I didn't want to see it again. Ever. I couldn't understand why there was such a big fuss around the movie. It was slow, long, and boring. But a couple years later, I was strapped to a chair and forced to watch it against my will. Then again, a couple years after that. And finally, after the what must be the third or fourth time seeing it, I'm actually starting to get it. Lost In Translation follows the brief and fleeting quasi-romance of a washed out actor (Bill Murray) and a recent college graduate (Scarlett Johansson), as they both struggle to keep their heads above water in the electric culture shock of Tokyo, Japan. 

The script itself is pretty good and Bill Murray works it well, his comic timing folds in perfectly with the easy, straight-face humor. The characters themselves are nice, dynamic, and human, but I still find myself not able to actually like any of them, with the except of maybe Anna Faris' character who was just too dim-witted to understand her own ridiculousness. Still, despite the faults of this movie, I have to give credit where credit it due--the directing is phenomenal. Sofia Coppola won the Oscar for best directing on this one, and it was well deserved (edit: Sofia Coppola should have won the Oscar for best directing on this one. There I go, thinking the Oscars have a sense of justice again). This movie is a lesson in atmosphere, in camera angles, in tone. Every second you watch it, you feel like you're in Tokyo, you feel the claustrophobia, the headaches, the culture shock. The real strength of this movie also happens to be the one thing that keeps me away from it; it's over ninety minutes of visual jet lag. And so, yes, I have to commend the artistry and the precision that it took Sofia Coppola to keep that vibrant intensity for the entirety of the movie. Truly a lesson in the craft of directing. Now excuse me while I lay down and take a melatonin. 

With Great Power, Comes Youtube.

CHRONICLE (2012)

It's an age old question: if you were a superhero, would you use your powers for good or evil? Some of us like to imagine ourselves saving children from burning buildings. Others like to imagine what it would be like to get back at the old lady downstairs who knocks her broom handle through their floors.  Chronicle takes the question to a literal level by testing it on three high school boys--the class president, the intellectual tool, and the downtrodden loner. They stumble upon something unknown and absorb superhuman powers, but the true test, as always, is learning to control these powers. The entire movie is "chronicled" via various different videocameras, which is an interesting devise for a movie like this even if it distracts from the actually content on screen from time to time. The plot runs through the familiar teen-movie themes of bullying and disconnecting from those around you, but the actors manage to pull it off to at least make the familiar ride enjoyable the second time around.  

Is it a tired and old morality play about the consequences of too much power? Of course it is. But if it ain't broke, why fix it, right? So maybe the message was a little heavy-handed, and maybe it was all something we've seen before a thousand and one times. Still, I went it knowing exactly what I was getting into, and on its own standards, the movie delivered everything I expected from it. I got into the characters, felt for their plights, and all at a good pace. Predictable and cliché at times, but a solid and just plain fun film, which is more than most mainstream movies seem to be able to brag about these days.