Monday, April 23, 2012

Vampire Porn Goes Viral.

QUEEN OF THE DAMNED (2002)
Since I reviewed Interview With The Vampire, I felt obligated to review this one as well. Even though I am aware that it is entirely unfair of me to review this bad boy, since I have read the book by Anne Rice, Queen Of The Damned, and therefore I hate this movie's undead, beating heart. My hatred is blind and complete. I have absolutely no idea how this movie holds up as a movie, that is, on it's own two legs without the knowledge that a much better book came before it. For all I know, this could be an excellent vampire movie. But here's the thing--if you want to go ahead and make your own vampire movie, fine by me. Hollywood is happy to oblige more bloodsuckers. However, if you're going to do a translation of a book, for the love of God, read the source material. I'm looking at you too, Troy. It barely follows the plot of the book, the characters are all turned on their heads, and worst of all, the director doesn't even know how to pronounce major character's names. Not even kidding. Listen to the commentary, he calls the very French Louis "Lou-IS." And my brain all over the walls.

Am I being petty? Completely. But let's look at the facts: enter our main character and hero, Lestat. The self-absorbed Brat Prince of the vampire world. Great. So they've switched up his backstory, but I get it. He has a complicated, incestuous past, and you want to keep him on the sexy side. Fine. But then they go and cast pretty-boy Stuart Townsend, who has a hard time acting his way out of a paper bag. I will give him credit where credit is due--his role as Dorian Gray in The League of Extraordinary Gentleman? Great. I was one of the few people that actually enjoyed that movie. Probably because I was just tickled by the irony of the fact that Dorian Gray was a lot more like Lestat than Queen Of The Damned's Lestat ever was. 

Moving on--Aaliyah, who played the man-hating ancient Queen Akasha, was actually one of the few enjoyable parts of the movie. She's got that whole vampire swag going on, so I can appreciate that. And she's just as campy and creepy as she needs to be. Fine by me. But then we move to the next in line female protagonist--Jesse Reeves, played by Marguerite Moreau. Jesse was an annoying little Mary Sue in the books, and she's an even more irritating annoying little Mary Sue in the movie. And she ruined a perfectly good gay romance. There is nothing I like about Jesse. The last actor I'll mention is Vincent Perez, who played Lestat's...maker (it hurts me just to say that), Marius. Aaliyah aside, Marius was the best part of the movie. Hands down. He was completely insane and flamboyant in all the right places. You go, Vincent Perez. The long and short of it is this: I hated this movie. But only because I have very fond memories of the book. My suggestion to anyone who isn't familiar with the book would be to probably see the movie first. And then you can tell me if it makes a good movie on its own, or you can join me in ceremoniously burning the DVD and scattering its ashes. 

7 comments:

  1. Haha. I know it is a craptastic movie, but I find it incredibly entertaining. I mean with a world obsessed with sissy broody vampires, I liked the fact that this had a vampire who wanted to be a rockstar. Oh but I totally hated the Jesse chick. So annoying.

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    1. Agreed! Lestat is a brilliant character, I'm not arguing with that. His whole rock star bit is hilarious. The concept is great--I really enjoyed the book. It's just the movie that rubbed me the wrong way. But Jesse does need to die.

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  2. I loved the books, up until part 4, when I stopped.
    What was really shocking was the drop in quality between the first and second film. Film 1 was no masterpiece, by far, but it was clear with the cast and budget and script that they were trying really really hard.

    This #$@! just felt like a lame mtv infomercial for bands, accessories, and hair products.

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    1. Part 4 is a good place to stop. Did you know they're making a Tale Of The Body Thief movie? Maybe. They've been stalling on that shit for a long while.

      But I'm with you there. You really can't compete with the awesome that is Neil Jordan and the cast of IWTV. MTV informercial is putting it nicely.

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  3. Replies
    1. Thank you! Now I have some business to attend to...

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