"How Pregnant Did You Get That Girl's Mouth?"

MAGIC MIKE (2012)

This is just going to have to be one of those movies I enjoyed much more than I wanted to. Really, I figured it'd be worth the ticket price for the cat-calling alone. After all, how many movies really bring out the fat construction worker in drunk and happy women? But once we got passed Channing Tatum's ass and a couple dance numbers, something truly weird started to happen. I began--ye gods--to actually enjoy myself! And it wasn't because I'm a bad lesbian. It's because it's actually a damn solid movie. 

Let's look at the facts. Channing Tatum, before his claim to fame on screen, used to strip for money. So he wanted to make a down-to-earth movie about the industry of male stripping. And then the plot bunny fell into the lap of Steven Soderbergh. Done. Let's face it, Soderbergh knows how to do bromances. And that was, essentially, the heart of this movie. A great bromance between Master Stripper Magic Mike (Channing Tatum) and his padawan stripper Adam (Alex Pettyfer). And then there's the tug-and-pull of drugs, sex, and partying way too hard. All the elements are there. The actors are all fantastic (and can do crazy things with their hips). The stripper clan, consisting of Joe Manganiello, Matt Bomer, Adam Rodriguez, and Kevin Nash were all fantastic. But three main characters really held their own--Channing Tatum was a great, charismatic Magic Mike, Alex Pettyfer actually proved to me that he could act, and Cody Horn pulled off a very organic, believable over-protective sister. And, of course, props have to be given to Matthew McConaughey. That man had a bad habit of rubbing me the wrong way but when he lets go and stops taking himself so seriously...he can pull it off. 

I should stop there. I should. But I feel a feminist rant coming on. Nothing wrong with Magic Mike itself--in fact, they did a great job with their female characters. They had a good mix of all kinds of women--bimbos, drug addicts, but also strong, solid-on-their-feet women. Yeah, it was nice to see the female character telling her man to "shut up and look pretty." A little change of pace for Hollywood. My bone to pick has nothing to do with this movie...rather, with these types of movies. Movies about male sexuality. My problem is they're always so fucking good. We've got 8 1/2, Boogie Nights, Shame and now Magic Mike. Really good, solid movies that explore psychological issues and lots of bromance. So what have women got? Burlesque? If this is the best we can do, shoot me now. 

This is my long way of saying: good movie, check it out. And if you don't check it out, look for the soundtrack. Damn catchy tunes.

"What Kind Of Devil Bird Chirps At Night?"

FAILURE TO LAUNCH (2006)

If there's anything I hate worse than a Matthew McConaughey movie, it's a Sarah Jessica Parker movie. If there's anything I hate worse than a Sarah Jessica Parker movie, it's a poorly written Sarah Jessica Parker romcom with Matthew McConaughey. It was as though someone in Hollywood decided to take everything I hate and crammed it all into one unwatchable 90 minute mess. Failure to Launch is about an unmotivated slacker, Tripp, who lives at home with his parents. Just by his name alone, we can already tell he's going to be obnoxious. The thing is, I don't always hate Matthew McConaughey. I was one of the few people that actually enjoyed Sahara (2005). And I thought he was great in Tropic Thunder (2008). It's just that awful cheesy smile he reserves for the worst kind of romantic comedy that grates on my every nerve. Sarah Jessica Parker is something else. I've never liked her, I never will. It doesn't even have anything to really do with her acting, it's just an irrational gut feeling of revulsion every time I get when I see her. Kind of like a gag reflex. Between the two of them, it was hard for me to watch this movie from between the spaces in my fingers.

The real tragedy of this movie is that the supporting cast isn't that bad. Justin Bartha just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. His comic timing is always spot on, even in subtle ways like The Hangover. Knowing that, it's a little painful to watch him downgraded to slapstick humor. Not that I have anything against slapstick, it's just...hard to watch when it's not really his style. I even enjoyed Zooey Deschanel, even though she only plays...Zooey Deschanel. But she had great chemistry with Justin Bartha and the few redeemable moments of this movie happened within the small subplot of their relationship. In short, those two are the reason why this film has a star at all. Also, a shout out to Bradley Cooper, just because it's fun to watch him alongside his Hangover compadre without them running around like headless chickens going "what happened?". But really, Hollywood. What happened?