"But You Ain't Got No Legs, Lieutenant Dan."

FORREST GUMP (1994)

In the spirit of Mother's Day, I decided to do review of my mother's favorite flick, since she's my biggest fan (how she puts up with the crazy shit I write, I will never know). Still, Forrest Gump just happens to not only be her favorite movie, but one of mine as well. It may not be a particularly deep or visceral movie, but it's just really well done. It's an all around good movie--from the period-appopriate music to the balance of history and fiction to the bare bones of the act structure. The best part about it is, it makes good writing look easy. And, yes, it's one of those movies I could probably recite from memory. 

The real appeal of Forrest Gump, when you get down to it, is the fact that it's a very human story. We believe in all the characters as they appear--from the misguided Jenny (Robin Wright) to the bitter Lieutenant Dan (Gary Sinise), it's hard not to love every character that comes on the screen. And the movie does a good job at making sure each character has an arc that they complete, giving the movie a very satisfying feeling. And then, of course, there's Forrest Gump himself. Tom Hanks delivers what is, in my opinion, one of the best narrations of all time, and gives us a character we can't help but fall in love with. Really, who doesn't want to me Forrest Gump's best friend? Then again, it probably helps that he didn't go full retard. 

Cut The Red Wire! (& Other Lessons)

A LESSON IN SCREENWRITING

I could set this one up. I could go into the importance of good, engaging writing. I could wax poetic about Quentin Tarantino. But, really, the work speaks for itself.

Fellow padawan screenwriters, we have big shoes to fill. 

"None Of Your Bones Are Broken."

SLEEPING BEAUTY (2011)

Now and then, you come across a movie that's pure atmosphere. Maybe the plot is alright, maybe the characters are barely there, but it's the tone of the movie that really comes through. Always very stylized, very artsy, with a high chance of a masquerade ball thrown in there somewhere. Sleeping Beauty walks a tightrope between drama and art film, leaving me straddling my own opinions about it. The main premise runs something like this: Lucy (Emily Browning), a young woman who entertains life with a mechanical precision, decides to take on an unorthodox job for the money. Her job description is this: she takes some sleeping tea, falls asleep naked, and lets men "enjoy her company" for the night. The next morning, she wakes up without any recollection of what's happened. The most interesting part of the job is that it comes with a stipulation: the men who purchase her for the night can't penetrate her. Which means she gets a cast of extremely interesting characters--an elderly man who just wants to hold someone, a sadomasochist who needs to bark at something pretty, and so on. 

To be honest, I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around exactly how I feel about the movie. From what I'd heard about it, I was preparing myself for some sick sexual abuse. What I got in return was something more disturbing--a main character completely numb to her body. I've seen Shame. I can handle that whole "ugly sex" theme. Violation. Degradation. But the strangest part was how open Lucy was to the concept. She didn't seem to have any real qualms about giving her body up for free. Instead, she seemed to use her body as currency on a regular basis and overall had succumbed to her situation. Lucy was less of a main character and more of a prop, without any real intent or motivation of her own. I'd like to give the script (and Emily Browning) the benefit of the doubt and say this was intentional on the movie's part. Which made it a fine art film with striking social commentary, but at what cost? The sacrifice of a potentially engaging and sympathetic main character. All in all, I'm glad I watched this one, but you'd have a hard time getting a straight-answer from me about it. I will, however, say this: the clients who purchase her for the night? The most fearless actors you've ever seen in a long time. Check this one out solely for the old man. Homeboy's got talent. 

TV Trauma: The River.

THE RIVER (2012)

If it wasn't obvious, I'm scrambling to do a massive, massive A-To-Z catch up. With that said, a little something different this time around. The River is a miniseries that came out this year, and when I say miniseries I mean "had a stellar first season with the promising possibility of a second, but since when has TV ever followed through on their best shows?" The thing was, I didn't really expect myself to get sucked into The River. The plot seemed a little cliché at best--when a wildlife expert with his own TV show goes missing, his family trudges through the Amazon to find him. And, of course, in order to fund their adventure through the Amazon, they've made a deal with the producer to go "Big Brother" on them and film every step of their journey. Sounds like a lot of familiar horror movie techniques working at once, right? Wrong. The River was refreshing, clever, and one of the best shows I've seen in a long time.

What really sells this show is its command of suspense. And you know what, maybe a less gullible viewer would've been able to call out all the twists and turns before they happened. But the script is really, genuinely good at slowly building tension. We're going back to the days of Hitchcock, that good, old fashioned suspense that creeps up behind you with an outstretched silhouette of a hand. Instead of relying on clever CGI and shock-value, The River has a solid story. Plus, it made me jump in my seat more than once, and anyone who has watched movies with me will tell you that's a hard feat to accomplish.

Not only do we have a great script, but we have a great ensemble cast. There wasn't a single person I wasn't at one point rooting for in the movie. The characters are all likable, complex, and very, very human. From the claustrophobic camera man, to the even-tempered bodyguard, to the mildly possessed but beautiful mechanic. Our main characters were the family members themselves--Lincoln Cole, played by the underrated Joe Anderson who you might know from Across The Universe, and Tess Cole, played by the intense Leslie Hope. And, of course, the missing man himself, Emmet Cole, who was pulled off by Bruce Greenwood. If the tense, frightening situations don't hook you in, the characters will. There were rumors of a second season, but I highly doubt that will happen. Still, I'm not all that chuffed about it--the first season was a solid, tight miniseries without any fatty, extraneous bits. It didn't wear off its welcome and kept a clean, fresh feeling. If this is all they have to show for it, they already have more than most TV shows can boast. If you haven't seen this one, I highly recommend checking it out. 

Vampire Porn Goes Viral.

QUEEN OF THE DAMNED (2002)

Since I reviewed Interview With The Vampire, I felt obligated to review this one as well. Even though I am aware that it is entirely unfair of me to review this bad boy, since I have read the book by Anne Rice, Queen Of The Damned, and therefore I hate this movie's undead, beating heart. My hatred is blind and complete. I have absolutely no idea how this movie holds up as a movie, that is, on it's own two legs without the knowledge that a much better book came before it. For all I know, this could be an excellent vampire movie. But here's the thing--if you want to go ahead and make your own vampire movie, fine by me. Hollywood is happy to oblige more bloodsuckers. However, if you're going to do a translation of a book, for the love of God, read the source material. I'm looking at you too, Troy. It barely follows the plot of the book, the characters are all turned on their heads, and worst of all, the director doesn't even know how to pronounce major character's names. Not even kidding. Listen to the commentary, he calls the very French Louis "Lou-IS." And my brain all over the walls.

Am I being petty? Completely. But let's look at the facts: enter our main character and hero, Lestat. The self-absorbed Brat Prince of the vampire world. Great. So they've switched up his backstory, but I get it. He has a complicated, incestuous past, and you want to keep him on the sexy side. Fine. But then they go and cast pretty-boy Stuart Townsend, who has a hard time acting his way out of a paper bag. I will give him credit where credit is due--his role as Dorian Gray in The League of Extraordinary Gentleman? Great. I was one of the few people that actually enjoyed that movie. Probably because I was just tickled by the irony of the fact that Dorian Gray was a lot more like Lestat than Queen Of The Damned's Lestat ever was. 

Moving on--Aaliyah, who played the man-hating ancient Queen Akasha, was actually one of the few enjoyable parts of the movie. She's got that whole vampire swag going on, so I can appreciate that. And she's just as campy and creepy as she needs to be. Fine by me. But then we move to the next in line female protagonist--Jesse Reeves, played by Marguerite Moreau. Jesse was an annoying little Mary Sue in the books, and she's an even more irritating annoying little Mary Sue in the movie. And she ruined a perfectly good gay romance. There is nothing I like about Jesse. The last actor I'll mention is Vincent Perez, who played Lestat's...maker (it hurts me just to say that), Marius. Aaliyah aside, Marius was the best part of the movie. Hands down. He was completely insane and flamboyant in all the right places. You go, Vincent Perez. The long and short of it is this: I hated this movie. But only because I have very fond memories of the book. My suggestion to anyone who isn't familiar with the book would be to probably see the movie first. And then you can tell me if it makes a good movie on its own, or you can join me in ceremoniously burning the DVD and scattering its ashes. 

"We Thought You Was A Toad."

O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU? (2000)

Ah, the Coen Brothers. That name is really all you need to say and I'm running to the theaters with my ticket in hand. The Coen Brothers have yet to make a movie that's really bored me to tears. Sure, some are better than others. Some are cleaner than others. But no matter what, they have a knack of making movies that really stick with you. O Brother, Where Art Thou? is a translated version of The Odyssey, featuring three convicts who break out of prison in the 1930s and run away to find an alleged treasure. They meet various folks along their journey, including a man who sold his soul for the guitar, a one-eyed con-man, and Baby Face Nelson himself.

I'll start off with the actors and just say they're all fantastic. George Clooney plays the articulate ring-leader, Everett, and he nails the role. I mean, he's George Clooney. He's always a pleasure to watch. Then we've got the extremely underrated John Turturro, who just looks like he belongs in the wrong end of a jail cell. And Tim Blake Nelson, also underrated, is something of a comic relief as the convict with a heart of gold. It helps that they have a great script to work with, delivering brilliant lines of dialogue one right after the other. Is O Brother, Where Art Thou? problematic as a movie? Sure, the acts don't quite jive, the narrative jumps around a little too much, some solutions are just too "convenient." But have I seen it so many times I can quote it? Yes, yes, I have. If that's not the true testament to a good movie, I don't know what is. 

I'll Take The Breast Meat.

PRIME CUT (1972)

Named in Empire Magazine as one of the 20 Greatest Gangster Movies You've Never Seen* (*Probably), Prime Cut happens to also be one of the strangest movies you've never seen. The plot runs something like this: a Chicago mob enforcer is sent to Kansas City to settle a debt with a cattle rancher who not only grinds his enemies into sausage, but sells women as sex slaves. Or at least, that's what IMDB tells me. Right. Still with me? Imagine this: an underground barn event with rows and rows of pens, around which ranchers are auctioning off their meat. Only their "meat" doesn't have anything to do with farm animals--naked women lay drugged up in the pens instead, waiting to be sold. If that doesn't catch your attention, I don't know what will.

Lee Marvin stars in this flick as Nick Devlin, the law man who's going to save the day. His archenemies just so happens to be Gene Hackman, the evil slaughterhouse operator called Mary Ann. Because nothing inspires fear and intimidation like a bad guy called Mary Ann. But who are we kidding? Sure, Lee Marvin is the man, and Gene Hackman is fantastic as always, but this movie is really all about the young, half-naked Sissy Spacek. Damn. Is all I can say about that. The ultimate prognosis? This movie isn't for everyone. But if you don't mind a movie with a little camp and color...I'd check it out. If for no other reason than this: an epic chase involving a crop harvester, the woman action house, Sissy Spacek's bod, and everything else that makes this movie completely and utterly shameless. My verdict? Thank god for the 70s.